Around 4:30AM

My Mother died five years ago this December. Last night I had what I believe is the first dream I've had with her in it, at least what I can remember.

It was in flashback, my son was small, and I was trying to get some rest in the basement of her house on Long Island. All I remember was my son running around in the living room, and a group of people coming in the house, including my mom.

She came downstairs to check on me and asked how I was doing. I told her exhausted but I am not going through chemo the way you are. She could not stay, had to go back to the hospital. I could not kiss her goodbye because of her condition.

Then she left, and I woke up.

Thomas Wolfe and the home thing

Back on Long Island for a visit. Just a visit. For a change there are no funerals to attend. The weather has been oddly glorious for early November. This morning, though, there was a dense fog and I went to Heckscher State Park to see how the Great South Bay would look. It was hard to see though the mist. Very eerie and quite cool. A mist formed over my glasses. Made me wish I’d spent more time down here in high school. Should have ridden my bike down there instead of the to the South Shore Mall to play video games. It would have given me some much needed serenity.

The presence of my Mother is at many turns I make. She worked at the Connetquot State Park, which looms large with my family. There’s a memory bench with her name on it by the hatchery, where the public cannot go. My Stepfather and I went there today. He’s struggling with mobility these days, as he ages. But he got out his walker and rolled himself there.

As I drive my rented Hyundai around Western Suffolk County, memories flood me more than usual this time. Mostly about all the places I did not go, and how much time I wasted not going to them. But there’s the place I cursed up a storm at a guy for taking my bike. There’s the building I where threw a solid punch at a guy and knocked his head back. And of course, the house I lived in under some torment. But my Mom is still all over the place, and me - well I deliberately tried to erase my presence, or at least my footprint - and I cannot put it back, nor do I want to.

Overall it has been a good and necessary visit. My Stepfather took us to dinner last night, I took him to lunch today. My Niece does not take any crap from by Brother, which is a good thing. Later, I’m taking my Aunt to dinner. After that, who knows.

Witnesses to notoriety?

Scanned a few more pictures tonight. There are so many and it's hard for me to figure out how to label them when there is no information on them.



That's my Grandfather, today is the 112th anniversary of his birth.

Got some genealogy updated. Have a couple of death certificates that I cannot connect to the rest of the family. One of them is of a girl who died at the age of five of marasmus. Click on the link if you dare, times was hard in 1888.

Also confirmed that some of my family lived around the corner from the Lizzie Borden home at the time of the murders. Small town that Fall River. Wonder if they were ever interviewed, or in the background the crowd photos of the trial, if there were any taken. Plenty of research in that case.

It's trendy to slag them off now

This song is one of the several that got me through a rough patch in my life nine Novembers ago. This month symbolizes lock down to me. The leaves go, have to be picked up and raked. We're paying someone to do that for us now, which is one major difference from those days when bleak was the norm. The temperature drops then the days get shorter as I go to work in the dark and come home to sunset.

Doesn't help that death came last month and there are now constant reminders of it to our house throughout the holidays now.

So maybe the best thing tonight will be drinking down some Cava and watching the Bills/Jets game from the couch. Even the football is taking up too much time investment these days. I've only so much time, so many hours, left. It's coming to a point where I have to really start thinking hard about time allocation. Or maybe I should just go with what I'm dealt, every day, for whatever is left.

It's hard to remember the fun with all the shouting going on when I look at my screen, which I admit is another part of the problem.

I will be out for a reading tomorrow night, at Kitamu Coffee in Hilliard, featuring with the wonderful Nancy Kangas. Here's the information about it. I will have a lot of new and newer poems about death and travel. Guaranteed to be entertaining and engaging. Plus, free!

So much learned from a few hours in Poughkeepsie

The Brother I knew when we were growing up was not a Friend of Bill W.. I went to college and never really came back home before he got sober. I knew he changed, but distance and rarely seeing each other did not often let me see how much. It took me a long time to accept the compassionate person he became, from the turbulence of what he was during those years.

At the funeral, so many people came to me. After the initial, “You must be his Brother, you look so much like him,” I heard how much he helped other people. I knew he did this, but not to the depth and extent others told me.

I did not need specifics, that’s part of the privacy, but understood immediately how profound his help was to others. Anytime, he was there. Over and over I heard and saw these emotions expressed from all the men and women he held his hand out to. There was a real bravery in some of these people, for telling me, a complete stranger, a very tough part of who they are.

That’s the good of what I received from these people. What I took most from a weekend in which we were all saddened by a person being taken from us way too soon. My Brother was an amazing person in the second act of his life, and I think he’s alright now.

Ten years ago

After seeing a lot of rumor and speculation on message boards about his death, I sent an email to a record label contact and had the horrible news confirmed. As you see at the end of the video, he was a troubled man, but so talented. Wonder what he'd be doing today?



In other news I went out to my car this morning to find it was invaded during the overnight. Papers strewn about and the front doors were left ajar. Nothing of value was taken, maybe a screwdriver. They did not want my clip-on sunglasses, car booster seat or cassette adapter. That is why I leave the doors unlocked. A few years ago, thieves broke a window of the Volvo and stole the stereo, that's not going to happen again. Could have been much worse.

Warren Zevon, ten years later

This was the first song I heard Warren Zevon sing live. I had just moved to Columbus about two months earlier and was excited to see him. It was also my first time at the Newport Music Hall, once of the city's better and longest running venues.



It was quite the show, the rest of the band came on after this and went into a raucous Even a Dog Can Shake Hands and it was total rock and roll the rest of the night. Ian Wallace was on drums and it was a great performance than Warren made note of mentioning at the end of the gig.

His death was no surprise, even Zevon was amazed that after all he had been through it was not the drugs that killed him. I got to see him three times, but none equaled the first. Easily one of the top ten live shows I've ever seen.

Tripping in the Steel City

Life goes on. After finding out my friend Mike died on Thursday night, with a heavier heart we headed to Pittsburgh for a planned well in advance weekend.

It's a very easy drive from Columbus. A trip that is a bit quicker now that the speed limit on Ohio highways is up to 70 miles per hour. If I had not missed an exit in the strands of spaghetti roads that is downtown Pittsburgh, we would have made the hotel in about two and half hours.

The hotel was in an odd area, just north of downtown, with high rise public housing across the street. There were no problems though, other than one guy asking for change on the corner, like that's never happened in Columbus.

The room was small, but cozy. The shower was quite small, but there was plenty of hot water. The room itself was rather noisy as we found out at 1:30AM when the room upstairs from us was having sexy time. The iron framed bed was rather old and loose in construction and did a lot of bouncing and banging. I hope there were two people up there.

The level of service at this hotel was excellent. There was a free shuttle that would take you anywhere within the city. One of the drivers was quite knowledgeable and friendly as he took us to a restaurant before the baseball game.

There were a number of recommendations for Meat and Potatoes on the Columbus Underground messageboard, so I made reservations a couple of weeks in advance. There was a crowd of people waiting for the five o'clock opening. Our names were called right after opening and we were taken to our seats as the bar instantly filled up.

Extensive cocktail menu, the drinks were excellent. My wife had a slow gin fizz with authentic Plymouth Sloe Gin. The cheery with her drink she said was the best ever. It was an amaro cherry from Italy, we were told.

My mussels came, it was an entire dish filled with them. Not many tiny ones either, all rather substantial. The only minus was the fries, I thought they would be cut thicker but while there were plenty, they were rather tiny.

I had a few bites of my wife's pannacotta dessert, which was light and tasty. I ordered an Oban off their whiskey list. It was pricey, but what the heck. It came in a Glencairn glass which is always a touch of class. What shocked me was the amount of whiskey in the glass. I know what an ounce and a half in a Glencairn glass looks like, this was about double that. That impressed me, and I was not driving!

The stadium was a short walk from the restaurant. Very impressed the city closes off the Roberto Clemente Bridge to cars and lets pedestrians have the whole thing.



The experience outside the stadium is impressive. Fans tailgate, they play whiffle ball in the parking lots along with cooking out and drinking. I respect Pirate Fan.



In addition to the Clemente statue, there is one of Honus Wagner, Bill Mazeroski and Willie Stargell. Two tipsy Pirate fans offered to take a picture of my wife and I with it, but seemed to be so drunk they could not press the button on a digital camera. It was the thought that counted.

A friend of ours gave us his tickets. His seats are incredible.



PNC Park is stunning even without the amazing views of the Pittsburgh skyline. There does not seem to be a bad seat in the house.

We saw Jeremy Hefner pitch for the Mets. He made one bad pitch to Alcarez and the visitors were down 2-0. They fought back to tie it up and send the game into extra innings. We left after the tenth and got back in time to see the Pirates win in the bottom of the eleventh watching in the hotel bar. That's how close things are in Pittsburgh.

The hotel breakfast was ok, not great, but the courtyard is pretty. We asked the driver to take us to the Fred Rogers statue.



Mister Rogers Neighborhood was filmed in Pittsburgh.

The riverfront is quite scenic.



We walked back to the hotel to rest for a bit before meeting a friend of mine at a coffee shop and then hit a deli next door. Down the street is a theater that may or may not be renovated. It was once a porno house.



After saying goodbye we rested up, had some dinner at a mediocre pub then headed to Stage AE for the Belle and Sebastian show. We met an old live journal friend of ours who was also going to the show. Before he showed up, my wife and I rated the attendees on the amount of tweeness in their clothing. The winner was a girl in front of us, who had birds all over her dress.

The venue is very similar to the LC in Columbus, it may be a bit steeper. Yo La Tengo opened and did not impress me much. They even had spinal tap guitar moments as Kaplan flung his guitar around, causing the annoying feedback. He then put his guitar down while it was still sustaining and picked up another guitar to make his noise.

Belle and Sebastian were impressive. It was fun to see my wife finally see a whole show from a band she loves.



Their back catalogue is large and they were digging out some nuggets from the first record. Stuart Murdoch made reference to the baseball game happening next door by playing Take Me Out To the Ballgame.



Fireworks were happening after the baseball game while the band was playing.



The band did not hear it as they were playing, but could smell the gunpowder. After the fireworks were over, the band's string section did a few snippets from the 1812 Overture, which was quite sweet.

It was worth the trip. A weekend we needed as we prepare for the rest of the summer. I've started 42 days in which I will be in the hospital with my son as he is in intensive in-patient feeding therapy or at work.

But Pittsburgh though, I'm not sure if it's a grass is greener thing, but I like the vibe of the place and can't wait to go back.

There is a new lock on the door

I wrote about what happened to my wife a couple of weeks ago, when my son wandered off. Our story had a happier ending. Over the past month, two families have not had the relief we felt when the police brought my son home.

Seven year old Owen Black and Nine year old Mikaela Lynch both wandered off, both were autistic and non-verbal, both were found dead a few days after they wandered off.

I cannot imagine the grief these families are feeling. I join in supporting the Lynch and Black families during this horrible time, and remembering their children.

There is a group called The AWAARE Collaboration that is working to prevent wandering incidents and death in the autism community.

To learn more about the life of Mikaela Lynch, her family has set up a webpage called Mikaela's Village.

Live Journal, from ten years ago.

He was no hero. (12/22/02)

Yet there was such a passion to his music and that of the Clash that you could not ignore.

They were loud, political, with a sense of intelligence that wasn't in many of the other 'punk' groups of the time.

I really hadn't heard of them until London Calling. The explosion of the opening cut, the cynicism of Lost In The Supermarket, and what were they saying about Montgomery Clift?

The bloated Sandinista came out after that. For a friend's radio poetry project I read the lyrics of Somebody Got Murdered.

Goodbye, for keeps, forever.

Then, at the station, we got a 45 from Epic Records. No group was listed on the label. It was a promo of Should I Stay or Should I Go. Things had changed for the group, or had they? Were The Clash becoming hit makers on their own terms?

I saw them live, at Rich Stadium, opening for The Who. they did their 45 minutes, closed with I Fought The Law. They weren't a stadium band. They needed the intimate raw energy of a small club to get their message across.

At the bar I worked as DJ, at the end of one evening I heard a voice call out, 'Ed, play The Clash. they have something to say.' A couple of years later I found out that voice belonged to someone who became a good friend.

They had the torch, but as Strummer later said, they dropped it.



The band split, a very ugly split between Strummer and Jones.

There was a strange Clash record done in the mid 80's. Jones did Big Audio Dynamite. Strummer had a few decent solo records, recorded with The Pogues, did some acting.

The Clash are being inducted into he Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in March.

Joe Strummer will be missing.

It will not be the same.