Angry so I wrote a poem

Revisionism, erasure, implied book burnings, not a fan. My Son hates ceiling fans, he has to be aware if they are on at all times. We have two in the house. There is one in our bedroom that he looks at every morning just to make sure it is not moving. The other is in the back room, where I'm typing this on a warm spring day in Columbus. When he was in the kitchen earlier he stared at the back room to make sure the ceiling fan was not moving closer to him. It's not.

There used to be one in his bedroom, but that was taken out shortly after he was born and replaced with a dimmer until that he broke as soon as he was able to move the switch.

None of this has much to do with the poem I wrote today, but it's still Autism Awareness and he's still singing at 6AM after not getting to sleep past midnight. Happy Easter.


Burn me out of your brain and see what replaces me

Erase me, revise me out of history
Ignore me, drop me, block me
Invite me nowhere, trip me in the aisle
You want to roast me
Tell me more about roasting
Avoid me, befoul me
You want to roast me
Put me in your oven
I step on pressure cookers daily
You want to roast me
You want to roast all the dudes my age
When we become shoveled ashes for you to dance upon
who will you find to roast next?
Tell me more
I will show you ovens demand fuel
Who will you roast when you reach my age
Fires are thirsty they need asses after
my old ass gets roasted
Prepare for your search, your hunt for purity
I have the means for you to forget me
It’s cheaper than you think

Trying to figure how Sean Spicer envisions a Holocaust Center

It's still Autism Awareness Month, or Autism Awareness Day, ten days later.

We hear most about the Autism Moms and how fierce their advocacy is, which is great and to be commended.

We occasionally hear the same about Autism Dads. Once in awhile.

We never, ever hear about the Autism Step-parent.

The person who knowingly gets into a situation of absolute crazy.

The person who raises a child that is not his/her own as their own, even with the uncertainty, challenges and evil looks from the child.

The person who cleans up teenage shit, stays up into the wee hours and more.

The person who also tolerates the energetic singing at all hours day and night.

I have one of these amazing people in my life and I cannot thank her enough.

I also know two other guys in this situation. Tim and Terry, cheers!

A day I'd rather talk about the Instant Pot

Blue's a nice color. It's a color in the Mets uniform and they start the season tomorrow. My Son is halfway between 14 and 15 and has never been to a baseball game. He shows no interest in it when it's on TV, but he loves the episode of Dora the Explorer when she plays baseball. Maybe Dora can catch for the Mets, she may stay healthier than d'Arnauld? He watches that episode of Dora on his iPad all the time. I know because he turns the volume up full blast and gets angry when I turn it down. He does not understand the concept if you do not turn it down I will take it from you because I did that and he did not care. Putting duct tape over the speaker was a temporary solution, but his therapist at school was not able to hear the apps she's using so it had to come off.

When I was his age the Mets manager was a guy named Joe Torre and they lost 96 games. Loss was a big part of my childhood. I do not know how my Son feels about his childhood. His main reply when I ask him a question is the word, "Sad."

This inspires little confidence in my parenting.

The Mets winningest pitcher in 1978 was Nino Espinosa. He won 11 and lost 15. He was traded to the Phillies the next season for Richie Hebner (who did squat for the Mets) and Jose Moreno (who did even less). Espinosa had his best year with the Phillies when he won 14 games. He lost effectiveness, was not on the post season roster when the Phillies won the World Series in 1980 and was out of the league a year later. He died of a heart attack on Christmas Eve, 1987. He was 34 years old.

I do get asked about how my Son is doing frequently. He is probably healthy, not capable of letting us know if he is sick, has pain in his mouth or gut. He can now let himself out of the car and knows how to open the hatch of my Volkswagen. Those two tasks were easy to teach. There's an app he uses to let people know his name and other life details that he uses. He usually urinates in the toilet but still defecates in his diaper over 90 percent of the time. When he does poop in the toilet the size of the movement is about the size of a burrito. The colon and sphincter are amazing things.

April is autism awareness month, I've known this for more than a decade. Seen the hashtags, social media posts, have lost months of sleep because of a child who stays up late, then wakes up singing three hours later, and refuses to go back to sleep for another couple of hours.

Sleep deprivation due to having an autistic child is a real thing. Does that get a hashtag? An awareness color or ribbon? A special brand of coffee?

Tomorrow, for the Mets, is opening day. A time of hope. A time to perhaps take care of unfinished business and win the World Series for the first time in 31 years.

Tomorrow is another day in the life of my Son. He will get out of bed around 6AM to eat his breakfast and I will take him to his Mother's about half an hour later so she can bring him to school. We do not know how he will sleep tonight. I will pick him up from school a bit after three and bring him home with me. When he gets home he will take off his coat and shoes then will go upstairs to use the toilet. I will not have to prompt him to do these things. He knows. Then he will take a yogurt (Yoplait, French Vanilla, no other flavor he can read the label) out of the fridge and eat. I will find some peas, fruit, a Hormel Compleats dinner and blend them all (not together) to prep for his dinner and school lunch. He has never eaten a cookie, hamburger, hot dog or Coca Cola. Textures in food repulse him.

Maybe he will defecate in the toilet, but more often he will not. Maybe he will fall asleep at a decent hour and make it last through the night. Maybe he'll have a future in which he can be slightly independent. Maybe there will be funding for services for adults with autism as there will be so many of them in the decades to come. Maybe we can get some foresight do deal with a major social problem that is unstoppable.

Maybe the Mets will win tomorrow.

Another good one taken

Bill Hurley was connected to life. A very intelligent man of many talents. He came to Writers Block a few years ago and he earned and deserved our love and respect. A fine poet, a fine Father and Husband. We're going to miss him.

Meanwhile, I keep pulling myself away from the poetry and arts scene slowly. Feeling like I have nothing left to offer because I'm not as directly affected by the topics of the day than others. Don't know if it's age, social or financial status but it's become hard to connect and much much easier to stay at home. If it's not my Son's sleep schedule, my own schedule is wearing me out.

My Son will be 14 on Thursday. He seems to be adjusting ok to the new school and schedule. A much better adjustment than this summer's caregiver. There are still so many challenges and I feel like I'm running out of time somehow. It's hard to connect with him too frequently and that frustrates me as the circle of self blame is all around me.

Solo trip next week. At least the car has roadside assistance.

The bears make him react

Sleep has once again become a challenge with my son. The last couple of weeks he has been going to bed early enough, around 10-10:30 but waking up singing, shrieking or bouncing on his bed about 3AM. It makes a tough next day. Last night he finally slept through after an absolutely horrible weekend.

Today we were watching the news and there was a story about some bears hanging out in trees and my Wife said, "The bears were waiting for spring," which is the plot point of one of his favorite books.

A couple of minutes later, he was rummaging in the stack of his books, pulled out the book and brought it over for me to read to him.

It's those moments that keep me going, and recognize there are so many challenges ahead.

My shut up Frank DeFord post

There’s a growing tedium about social media for me these days. It’s become Social Issues Media with so many posting links about ideas they supposedly feel really passionate about with quotes from long dead icons of politics or religion or or or.

It’s either that or the constant asking for something. A gofundmekickstarter for something or someone that is important. And everything is so important these days, or worth my time, or urgent or or or.

And yes, I am damn guilty of this too. I can’t help it, the Mets are leading the division by five games.

No one seems to be doing, or at least sharing, any real writing online anymore. Storifying tweets does not count! It’s rare that I see (or do one myself) a post that is more than two or three lines. So much is dependent on a link. Live Journal is dead, Facebook has turned into clickbait and likes with little depth other than posters who really feel strongly about something right now and so should you!.

There is so much hyperbole. If everything is a masterpiece or great or amazing or or or we’ve really lowered the bar on what a masterpiece is. The fun is fading, it’s not thought provoking for me, just provoking. Hate reading is exhausting, not healthy and cuts have to be made.

Of course the people online have all the answers to everything, starting with grammar. Do not say anything wrong or you may be the subject of a passive/aggressive post because direct communication is so not right now. I am doing my best to call people on their stuff, but it’s becoming easier to unfollow or remove. My blood pressure is high enough as is. Then again, I’m not charismatic enough to have the Internet Mob pay any attention to me. Hey, reading this post helps me understand that!

I do not march in lockstep nor am I a deliberate contrarian. Hell, I do not play well with others. I’m just so fucking tired. You’re not going to get a list of twenty reasons why.

Awake with the birds and seagulls

Dealing with 4:30AM jet lag is not a good time, but I am finally on vacation. While United Airlines continues to suck in communication with delayed customers, they have tried to improve their food. We even received a complimentary glass of wine before our meal. Sure, it smelled like something out of a diabetic horse, but it's the thought that counts. Plus, we were not on flights that were cancelled, or so late we missed a connection to Brussels.

So the discomforts of economy are relived by the happiness of our destination. We crashed, then took a well advised walk, ate a great meal and I ended up snoring on the couch for about five minutes while we watched Two Days in Paris.

And here I am now, awake on the same couch eight hours later.

To the city later, a visit to our Brew Dog overlords and smaller Kelpies before seeing the big ones on Saturday.

We're good here, even if sleep patterns are a mess.

I've been more active on Instagram

It has not really been quiet but there's not much for me to say about the busy. We've had my son the past two weeks and that's kept us active at all hours. We're prepping for our trip tomorrow and getting stoked for Belle and Sebastian tonight.

I can say it's been a decent vacation so far, all 20 hours that have happened.

Funny things are everywhere

When he's not awake after 4-5 hours of sleep at 3-4 in the morning my son is usually quite sweet. The teenage years are here even though he's 12. The fun of puberty has arrived and no one is really ready to deal with it.

At least there's Dr. Seuss to keep shit real.

Recently I began reading Green Eggs and Ham to him and I have him participating with a quiet "Sam-I-Am" at the appropriate moments. He brings me the book now, says "Book" and I try to get more out of him, like "Read" or "Read Daddy" when he's more engaged. It works, and it helps with my performance.

I've also brought out One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish for something different. It's a much longer book and I have him saying "Dr. Seuss" when I read the title page to him.

As a cataloger I have to read the title page. It's a part of my life.

There is some funny stuff in One Fish... and I enjoy reading it. The rhyming reminds me a lot like Rick from Writers Block.



There is a lot of the book that I admit to freely reading in Rick's style. He is the Essence of Poetry, after all.

Quick update on the Sleep Chronicles.

Last night he got to bed around 11, woke up just after 2AM, fell asleep less than an hour later.

It did not really matter much as school was cancelled due to the weather. We had three inches of snow here and school was called off.

Let that sink in as you realize the North East is about to get 2-3 feet of snow.

A delegation from the Democratic National Committee was here today to continue evaluating the city's worthiness for the 2016 convention. Wonder what went through their heads when they saw all the chaos three inches of snow caused. I know the convention is in the summer, but heaven help us they see a local weather forecast of hyperbole and panic when there is a chance of a thunderstorm. That's how Columbus handles a crisis.

My son's also been bringing me Green Eggs and Ham to read. He hands me the book. Points at the words on the cover of the book and says, "Ham," when he gets to that word.

I also have him saying, "Sam-I-Am," at the appropriate moments - which he does do, but very quietly.

Now he's upstairs jumping on his bed.

An unclear pattern

Having a child with an erratic sleep pattern is a long cause of stress in our lives. His problem here is night waking, in which a couple of hours after he does fall asleep, he wakes up babbling. He does not leave his bedroom or cry out in distress but continues the monologue of whatever show is happening in his head.

The longer this happens the more we hear people ask if he's on medication. He's not on anything, he's twelve and I'm reluctant to put a child going through puberty on barbiturates. We have tried melotonin, even though the opinions of so called experts differ. When he takes melotonin, he falls asleep quicker, say at 10PM but wakes up about four hours later. At his mother's house, he does not fall asleep until much later, say about 1AM, but he sleeps though the night afterwards.

So what is the trade off?

The past two nights we did not give him any melotonin. Friday he fell asleep at about 10:30. and as far as we know did not wake up in the night. I woke him around 8AM and he was still trying to go back to sleep after he ate his breakfast.

Last night he did not fall asleep until about 11:30 and my wife heard him talking to himself briefly around 3:30. Then he woke himself up just after 7AM.

Two nights is not enough to make an assessment, and my son is certainly not giving his opinion or reasons for his sleep difficulties. Every night is different with little consistency. It's another one of the many challenges parents of autistic children can face, every day.

Things no one told you when you became a parent. Reason 60579

After a night in which he fell asleep at 10, woke up and 2AM and did not go back to sleep until about 4:30.

No one told me having a child would be the harbinger of my own death.

A friend just suggested this poem to me. Sounds about right by the title alone.

My son, my executioner

I take you in my arms
Quiet and small and just astir
and whom my body warms

Sweet death, small son,
our instrument of immortality,
your cries and hunger document
our bodily decay.

We twenty two and twenty five,
who seemed to live forever,
observe enduring life in you
and start to die together.

-Donald Hall

One day at a time, is all we do

My Stepfather came to town for an all too brief visit over the weekend. He brought a few of my old records with him, and an old case of 45's. Despite the short visit, we had a good time. We bought each other dinner (what, City Barbecue is also in Grove City?!?), took my son swimming in the pool of the hotel he stayed at. He really wanted to see the casino where he lost money while I had a free soda while watching Everton draw Arsenal on a very large screen. He's doing ok, as well as he can about the loss. His legs are not in great shape.

Still not sure when I'm going to be able to get east. Airfare remains permanently ridiculous and driving that distance with my son and his needs is difficult.

My son's sleeping remains very inconsistent. The melotonin is putting him to sleep a bit faster but he is not able to stay asleep through the night. Last night he was in bed at ten, then woke up around 12:30 and did not fall back asleep. I was so wiped out I called off work. I'm still wiped out. Somehow he got through school, but fell asleep about 4:30. We let him sleep about an hour. He was not happy being woken up for dinner.

May that hour of sleep he did get not process into four extra hours he can draw energy from.

Cleaned out organ, clean bill of health

The worst part of getting a colonoscopy is the preparation. The items you have to ingest to clear the system, and in a competitive eating time frame, is rather vile. Plus having to ingest the last half of said items six hours before the procedure, which in my case was at three in the morning - is a rather taxing process. You can't eat anything solid either, and chicken bouillon cubes suck.

This, combined with my son waking up at two in the morning and not going back to sleep, made it all a very cranky time. The liquid melotonin works as erratically as my son's sleep patterns.

The people and staff at the OSU Medical Center were all very cool. From the volunteer who walked us to where we needed to be to the doctor who did the procedure, all professional.

I remember nothing about the procedure. I was on some seriously good drugs, if it was propofol, damn, I get why someone could get addicted to that. In the room I saw the screen, the wire they used wrapped up in sealed bags on the wall. Last thing I remember was them asking to take my glasses off and I said to not lose them. One of the nurses talked about my frames being cool, I told her to not look through them. She said she did not need glasses anymore. I asked if she had lasik surgery and that was it.

Not sure when I woke up in recovery, but my lovely wife was there. I was a bit woozy but do not think I said or did anything overly odd. I did ask several times if everything was alright. The doctor came in, said everything was ok and told me to come back in ten years. The nurse asked if I wanted to go and I said to give me about ten minutes, this is rare for me. I usually want out of a hospital room as soon as possible. She came back, and then I was ready to head out.

By this time I was quite hungry and bought a Hershey bar at the gift shop. Our ride came and we stopped at Rally's on the way home. Yes. Rally's. Did I say how hungry I was?

Got home and napped the rest of the afternoon, then found out about Robin Williams and here we are.

Sucky next 38 hours

After too many nights of interrupted sleep caused by my son not sleeping through the night we've decided to try something new. When he was much younger and had the same problem we tried melotonin and it had a reverse effect. This was at least eight or nine years ago. Tonight we slipped some liquid melotonin in with his pudding. Not sure what the results will be but he was not interested in drinking the milk we put it in last night - where he went to bed around 10PM and woke up about six, which for him is a good night.

So he's lying on the couch right now, which is normal for him. When he falls asleep and whether or not he sleeps through the night is now the question.

This was also one of those days I'm not sure if he understands what is happening. I drove him up to his new school and explained to him that he is going to be going here soon, that it is his new school and that it's going to be like his old one but different too. His response was to put his hands over his ears, which is a newer thing of his to do. We have a soon to be twelve year old surly teenager.

Not sure if my blood pressure is dropping the way my doctor would like. I'm on two medications for it now. Monday I'm undergoing a medical procedure which means I can't eat any solid food tomorrow and have to purge the system, as it were.

When my two older brothers hit fifty and develop cancer means I have to be vigilant, hence the procedure. Who knows when my genetic switch will activate?

In the time I took to write this, his eyes are closing, and he's out. Not sure if it's the melotonin or not.

Now if the idiots in my neighborhood would stop shooting off fireworks it can be even quieter around here.

Monday headache

If I insist my son eat, sleep, use the toilet and try to communicate with the world in a meaningful manner I have to be nothing less than a brute.

I saw too much criticism of the updated Cosmos last night that made me call into question why we do anything else. Yes, Neil DeGrasse Tyson is not Carl Sagan. Yes, Fox is not PBS. No matter how much people want it by worshiping their past or surrounding themselves with fetish items from their teenage years, childhood is not coming back. I guess that last segment of last night's program, in which DeGrasse Tyson spoke of meeting Sagan as a seventeen year did not get across. It's why we move forward, or at least try to.

And no, I'm not going back to watch the original at this time, because, this old post.

Live stuff, Sherlock

Went to bed later than usual last night, watched the Saints beat the Eagles on a last second kick. Woke up at 6:30 unable to go back to sleep. My whole rest cycle is a mess.

If it was not for live sports, I'd probably get rid of cable entirely and stick with the internet and Roku and other streaming programming.

There was a life changer added to my browser this week when something called a Hola Extension was added to my arsenal. It allows the user to easily use a VPN, virtual private network, and use a server from another location to use websites that are blocked from your location.

So we've been watching some programming from the BBC this week on the laptop.

Now, what if there was a device that would allow you to send the screen from your laptop to your HDTV?

Well there is. Yesterday we got Chromecast, a little gizmo that plugs into your television's HDMI port. One of the things it does is allows you to stream a tab from your Google Chrome browser to your set. It also has a few apps, such as Youtube and Netflix that allows you to use your laptop or mobile device as a remote to send signals to your television. I was worried about the amount of space it would take. If there was enough room on the side of my set.



Not really an issue. It's also powered by the USB port in the television. I do have to unplug the Roku as there's only one HDMI port in my set, but this is a first world problem.

I am not a fan of watching long shows or movies on my laptop, so this device is a fine addition to my entertainment needs. I love my Roku, though Chromecast once I start really figuring it out is going to be a well used media tool.

If I knew what I know now, I may have picked Chromecast first

The first pity post of 2014

Resolutions really are not my thing, they lead to disappointment. Sure, I'd like to drop 30-40 pounds, live a more authentic life that is filled with joy, substance and other buzz terms of the New Year but it's hard to not be cynical even though you know you have to plow through the first signs of failure.

The last few weeks have been a real struggle. It's been doubly hard when I have had little rest due to my son's energy and poor sleep cycles dominating the evening and early morning hours. I freely admit to being a total asshole when I'm sleep deprived, and thank my wife profusely for taking care of my son during the days of his winter break. Dealing with me in general is not easy, and I cannot express my gratitude enough that she chooses to sleep next to me, and stuff.

My son has definitely made real, solid and true progress with his eating. He's gaining weight, and that is a goal being reached. In other ways though, he's really locked in his world, in verbal and social skills he is sorely lacking and in toilet training, well, not going there in full today.

So it's disheartening hearing about other people's kids doing so well in school and sports and in life. Why didn't I get this? Woe is me. I do not begrudge the success of anyone's child. It's great, and wonderful. But to go brag about asking my son what he wants when he gets out of the shower and he says the word, "dry." Really do not want to put that in a status update. Especially when I ask him at 4:30 the next morning, after he's been up for an hour, after four hours sleep, what he wants and I get no response at all but another few pages of script he memorized from the Wonderpets. Here's where I question my parenting skills, and this happens often.

So it's the lack of daylight, and warmth, and the grief I'm feeling in so many ways right now has reduced my confidence, made my face break out and put me off track in writing and getting my shit together with the Arts Festival. I mean, what the hell do I do when people to not respond to a direct question? I can't put my energy into repeating the questions anymore.

In some ways I'm feeling like an outsider looking in on other people's lives and my lack of involvement in them. Sometimes I think all the cool stuff happens on weekends and nights I have my son. I also know it is my fault I am not reaching out enough. In 2014, I can only once again get the energy to get out of the house, shut the laptop and try try again to move forward. This is a very hard thing to accomplish.

Worse than my fantasy football teams

My son's sleep cycle has been erratic again. He has been waking up around 4AM after going to bed between 10-11. He has not been staying up long, but long enough so I cannot go back to sleep.

I heard him Around 4:45 today and was about ready to go into his room to see how he was doing. When I opened my bedroom door he was standing in the landing. I told him to go back to bed and followed him. It's hard to know why he wakes up. Was he scared? Did he have a bad dream? His being non-verbal is very stressful for both of us. Gave him some cuddles as he quickly went back to sleep. That was about it for my night's sleep. At least there was a 7AM soccer match to entertain me until it was time to wake him up for breakfast.

Friday night's tragedy at the Clutha in Glasgow in Scotland was very saddening. I've never been in there, but have been by it many times. It was a couple of blocks from where my sister-in-law used to live and I walked by it frequently. It was one of those bars I always meant to go into, but never found the time. It seemed like a friendly enough established local and it's a real bummer that a bunch of people were there on a Friday, having a good time until a helicopter crashed into the roof. Eight are dead, a few dozen are injured. Lives are changed forever.

Another acquaintance from my college days died over the weekend. I knew Greg first at the radio station then he was instrumental in my getting the DJ job at Rascals after he left. We were never really close but he was a decent enough person who did not deserve to die at 51. Rest in peace, Greg.

The day before we do not travel far

My son is not happy when his mother is not there to pick him up off the bus. That means he's staying with me, and stepmom, and he does not like it one bit.

Maybe it's the food, the lack of entertainment options, but he does some good protesting for up to an hour until it's time for dinner and then he's fine.

Until it's time to sleep. Monday he decided to not go to bed until about 12:30AM. He then woke up incredibly listless at 7AM to get ready for school. It was trying. For everyone.

Today there was no school so I was prepared to stay up with him until he conked out, which he did at 10:30PM. I expected him to wake up at some point during the night, but he did not. Ended up waking him up at 7:30. He ate all his breakfast while I showered and has been quite chill today.

He's been watching videos with me, singing along to KT Tunstall. He's also taken notice of my wife's shoes and has been walking around the house with them. He's left them in the back room a couple of times already.

So it's been a good day, and I got a few chores in for the buildup to tomorrow's holiday.